It's been quite sometime since I've last written a blog. You just learned my worst character flaw.....I'm not in a hurry....for anything! This really irritates my husband, but who wants to be stressed out all the time by time limits? No, I get to where I need to be on time, but every where else is a toss up.
A LOT has happened since I started this blog. My husband and I welcomed a beautiful, vibrant, sweet, handsome baby boy into this world. He has changed our lives in ways I never knew he counld. He has made us all happy happy happy :) KG, the big sis, is the best sister he could have asked for. I've prayed hard for them to have a thriving, loving, and positive relationship and God has certainly not failed this family. Also, my In-Laws gave their life to Christ on Easter and were baptized soon after. This has changed them and our whole family in ways you can't describe. You can't argue to power of God with me. I've seen His work, and I've felt his presence. My husband was promoted in his company & we packed up our family and moved to another state. This was a very hard move for us because we were lucky enough to have my husband's parents right up the road, but that has changed since we had to move. Starting all over in a new state, without family, and 2 small children is rough. It's rough physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's rough on your marriage, and rough on your relationship with your children because you're constantly stressed out ALL THE TIME! Since my husband's new job had him working 7 days a week/12 hr days that left little 'ole me to find a house, buy a house, find a school for KG, pack up our old home, stay up all night while the movers finish unloading the truck.....at 1am.....with an infant in tow who wouldn't sleep...all within a month. Yes, you read that correctly, all within a month! Whew, I'm tired just thinking about it, I really don't remember it, it was too taxing, but we made it!
This brings me to my topic "What is a Mom?" We've all had a mom, have a mom, or have someone who is filling/filled that role in our lives. This is a role I had no idea would rock me like it has. It's just one of those things you can never put into words until you're there. You forever change, and even though there is nothing in this world that could ever make me wish I weren't a mother, the vulnerability that comes along with it is so heavy at times I wonder if I'll make it another day. You know that feeling, the thoughts like "Did I forget my child?"( we've all had that thought, I know I'm not the only one) those rare moments you get to leave the house alone and you stop every 2 seconds in a frantic because you are alone...without a child.....and you think, for a second, you left him. Then I have thoughts like this: Did I breastfeed long enough? Am I being judged because I didn't breastfeed long enough. Should I make his own food or buy it from the store? Am I reading enough to him? Am I helping him achieve every developmental milestone? Did I hug & kiss him enough today? For heaven's sake did I pick him up and console him quick enough before he feels neglected? Then you have those awful awful thoughts that NO ONE prepares you for (thanks by the way) : "Will someone steal him away from me?" Will someone try to hurt him? Will I live to see him accomplish everything in life? Will I be a wonderful mom for him? Will I teach him how to respect me, how to respect himself, and his future wife? Then comes the worst thought, the thought no one talks about...I think "What if God needs him back before he needs me?" I can't....I just can't say the words. Being a mom hits you to the core, it leaves a wound so deep and raw that you can never, and will never be the same person again. It's wonderful, and scary, and heartbreaking, and terrifying, uplifting, emotional journey.
But I'm also a Stepmom...what does that even mean? I've had people tell me "it's not the same...she's not your real child" "You'll feel differently about your own children" Or when I would talk about her like a mother would, I would get the looks like "You have no idea what it's like to be a real mom" Obviously before I had my son...when I became a "real" mom. This frustrated me beyond words. I mean, who are they to tell me what I feel in my heart? I'm not going to get on that soap box. I will say this....they were right. I do love her differently, not more or less, just differently. It's a beautiful love though. I find myself striving even harder with her, setting my expectations for myself higher with her, and in the end it has developed a bond that is strong, unbreakable, and undeniable.
If you are a step-parent, or your spouse is one please take this gift seriously. God chose YOU to be in that child(ren)'s life for a reason. I have often questioned my purpose in KG's life, questioned if I was enough for her, am I too hard on her, am I too lax on certain things, am I showing her my love enough? Does she feel I am the reason her birth mother isn't around...does she blame me for that? Does she feel complete without her mother here....I worry about those things, maybe too much, but that's me. I didn't hit me until tonight at bedtime, as I lay next to her as she says her evening prayers that if I were her birth mom, how would I want my child treated by another woman? I've never looked at it from that angle. That led me to the thought of "What happens if I'm called to heaven when my son is still small and needs a mother? What kind of mom would I want him to have?" It broke my heart to think that he was hurting inside because he so desperately needed a mom, and wouldn't have it. That moment I knew God was speaking to me, telling me exactly what my role is suppose to be. I know this is a question that burns her mother's heart everyday. This gives me so much power and love to strive that much harder to love her and be the mom she needs, just as I pray my son will get if I'm taken away from him. I know this is a heavy topic and not all my entries will be so, but this has been laid upon my heart and I'm hoping this reaches another person who may need to hear these words, as I needed to hear them.
Give God all your heart, mind, and soul...He came to give you life, and life more abundantly!
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